Good Thing Only Germans Catch It
by Khebidecia
Summary: A common cold usually lasts about a week, but what about a mass hallucination that only affects Germans? SSSW Challenge 2019.


Disclaimer: I do not own _Hogan's Heroes_.

Author's Note: Unfortunately I did not finish this story in enough time to have anyone beta read it. I should thank my sister, NursingSchoolGrad, for helping me work through my story ideas even though she is not part of the _Hogan's Heroes_ fandom. I also need to thank the person who organized the list of quotes for this challenge. Whomever did it (I know dust on the wind posted the story prompt itself) put two quotes back to back, and I found the implications too interesting to resist.

* * *

"Alright men, let's go over the plan one more time," Colonel Hogan addressed the men around the table. It was not a difficult mission, but Hogan liked this plan since he found the idea of Colonel Klink with a pet goldfish particularly amusing.

"When Klink gets back, we volunteer to carry his new fish tank inside," Kinch started.

"Then I offer to set it up, since I have experience with fish and sharks from the circus," Newkirk continued.

"And if Klink askes about sharks in the circus, I say the circus that came to Bullfrog always had sharks," Carter added.

"Good. And if Klink tries to pay too much attention when you are setting up the fish tank?"

"I ask him why he is wasting money on pet fish instead of raising them for his food," LeBeau confirmed.

"Right. And in between all that, we should be able to get the roll of film that the pet store owner's assistant hid in the fish supplies." Again, it was not a difficult mission, and Hogan was making it far more elaborate than it needed to be, but it was too much for him to resist the chance to see Klink and a goldfish side by side every time he stepped into the German Colonel's office. None of his men objected to the idea either.

"Colonel, he just came through the gate," Olsen said quietly from just outside the window. Hogan nodded to his men, and they quickly exited the barracks, gathering around the door the way they did so often and doing their best to look inconspicuous until Colonel Hogan approached the Kommandant.

But then something strange happened. Hogan walked over to the Kommandant as he got out of the car, but the looks on Klink and Schultz's faces nearly stopped him in his tracks. They looked like they were on the border between nervous and scared, and they both emerged from the car far faster than they usually did.

"Schultz, you can't leave the car parked there!" Klink exclaimed angrily.

"But I do not want to get back in with…" Schultz waved one hand in a circle, as though that explained everything. Klink seemed to accept the gesture, though, and instead turned his glare towards a hapless private.

"You, get in and drive my car to the motor pool."

"Me, _Herr Kommandant_?" the man gulped, and Hogan watched from the side in confusion.

"Kommandant, if something's wrong with the car, my men can take a look at it," Hogan said, hoping that he was successfully easing his way into the conversation. He had no idea what was happening here, but based on the way Klink turned to him, it was not car trouble.

"There is nothing wrong with my car, Hogan, but if all of my men are cowards, then yes, you may drive the car to the motor pool."

Hogan looked around at the Germans. They seemed a bit ashamed at being called cowards, but none of them volunteered to drive the car. "You could drive it yourself, Kommandant," Hogan suggested, just to see if Klink would explain the situation in any way.

"You know I can't drive while holding a goldfish, Hogan," he replied disparagingly, and Hogan noticed for the first time that Klink was carrying a small bag in one hand. Looking in the back of the car, he saw a box with the expected fishing supplies, so he motioned his men forward.

"Take the Kommandant's supplies inside before I pull the car around," he said, just loud enough for the Germans to hear him. He did not like the way they prepared their guns as the men approached the car, but he did not stop his men because the guards were clearly aiming at the car, not the prisoners. Their grips on their guns tightened as the men opened the car door, but Hogan, when he looked in the car again, only saw the fish tank supplies. The men removed them without incident as Hogan got in the car. He tried to ignore Klink and Schultz staring at him as if he completely lost his mind, but it was difficult.

* * *

Ten minutes later, Hogan made his way to Klink's office. The guards were still on edge, and he could see them whispering as they watched him. If he had to guess, he would say it was something between fear and admiration, but that made no sense. All he did was drive a car very slowly through the camp. Oh, sure, it was against regulations, but the Kommandant gave him permission in front of the entire camp.

"Halt!" a guard on the porch of the Kommandantur yelled in terror. Hogan stopped instantly, then dropped to the ground as the guard fired off a round of shots. When they stopped, Hogan looked up, but the guard was not paying any attention to him. He was facing away and clearly had not been aiming at Hogan, but when Hogan followed his eye line, he saw nothing unusual.

Taking his chances, Hogan got up and approached the porch. The guard glanced at him for a moment but immediately turned his attention back to…nothing. One glance told Hogan that there was nothing there, not even anything that he would only see from the guard's angle. Hogan took the guard's brief glance as permission to walk past, and he hurried inside the Kommandantur.

"Kommandant!" Hogan exclaimed, stepping inside the office where his men were gathered around the fish supplies, wide eyed from the surprise gunfire. "Your guard just fired shots for no reason. One of my men could have been hurt. One of _your_ men could have been hurt. I demand you bring him up on disciplinary charges or I _will_ report this to the Geneva Convention!" Hogan was surprised to see Klink staring out the window instead of cowering behind his desk, but he expected him to respond favorably. Above all, Klink preferred to have an incident-free camp. It was safe and made him look good. But the Kommandant did not turn around or give any sign he heard, simply stood and stared out the window. "Kommandant?" Hogan questioned, walking over to the man.

As he looked out the window, Hogan saw that Klink seemed to be staring at the same point as the guard on the porch, but again, he could see nothing. But then he turned to face the Kommandant himself and saw to his surprise that the man was as white as a sheet. "What's the matter? **You look like you've seen a ghost.**"

At last the Kommandant turned towards him. "What? Hogan, what are you talking about?"

"The guard endangered everyone in the camp by firing shots for no reason. I think we have a right to know why."

"Hogan, he just saved Corporal Brandt. It was about to kill him."

Hogan looked out and still saw nothing. He could not remember whether Corporal Brandt had been there, since he had been more focused on the guard, but Klink's explanation still did not make sense. "Colonel, there's nothing there."

"Yes, Hogan, there is." Hogan would have considered Klink's explanation to be petulant, but there was something in the quiet, haunted way he spoke that made Hogan think that something else was going on. If Klink had gone mad, if he had started seeing things that weren't there, then Hogan would have to make sure it did not affect his operation. But even if he had lost it, that still did not explain the rest of the Germans.

"Colonel," Kinch spoke up quietly, "we've finished with the fish tank." Hogan looked at him, and Kinch gave a small nod. They had the film.

"Okay. We should head back to the barracks now." And with that, Hogan left the Germans to their madness, hoping whatever was wrong would go away on its own. After all, he had no idea how he could fix the situation when he had no idea what it was.

* * *

The next few days did nothing to help. All of the Germans were still inexplicably nervous, and when Hilda came the next morning, the guards at the gate stopped her and she went back home. Klink had set the guards to patrol the camp constantly, and the prisoners soon learned that any unusual movements on their part were far more likely to be noticed. Not even Schultz was any help. When they tried to find out what was happening from him, he just shouted, "I see NOTHING!" and left the room as fast as possible. He clearly had seen something, just like the Kommandant and the other guards, but for once his motto worked against the prisoners.

Hogan spent those three days constantly trying to think of a way to get the film out of camp, but with the guards wandering around and bursting into the barracks without warning, he had no way to get it out without a high risk of being caught. There was at least one guard opening fire each day, and Klink apparently had no intention of stopping them, only asking, "Where was It?" if he bothered to question the guards at all.

Then, the morning of the fourth day, something happened that none of the prisoners expected. It was morning roll call, and the prisoners all stood in place. The guards stood there too, looking weary and scared. But it was the Kommandant's expression as he came outside that told them something was about to happen.

"All present and accounted for," Schultz told Klink in a low voice, so low that Hogan could barely understand him, even knowing what he usually said.

"_All_ present? What about _It_?"

"No one has seen It since yesterday afternoon when Private Fischer saw It by the delousing station." Hogan remembered that incident. It would be hard not to since the ended with one of the delousing station walls knocked in. And of course the prisoners had to repair it. But Klink was not finished questioning Schultz.

"It has to be here somewhere."

"But I thought we did not _want_ It here."

"No, but I will not have It interfering with my camp any longer." With that, Klink walked out into the open, stopping where the guards could clearly see him. He took a deep breath, and then in his loudest voice he shouted. "I demand that you come out in the open and speak clearly. When you got in my car, you did not say a word, and ever since we got back to Stalag XIII, you have hidden in shadows. If you can speak, come out and do so NOW!"

Hogan thought that Klink had gone mad. There was no other explanation. But the Germans looked instead like they had never approved of the Kommandant more. All of a sudden, there was a slight shift in the Germans' attitude. They shifted their grips on their guns and aimed them all at the same point. Even though Hogan knew from experience now that he would see nothing, he could not help but look. In the past few days, some of the prisoners offered explanations for why the Germans apparently saw something that they did not, but Hogan was not willing to accept any of them without absolute proof. Still, there was no way the Germans could coordinate something like this as a trick to unnerve the prisoners without Hogan and his men finding out. It was simply too well organized for a large group of people. It had to be a mass hallucination of some kind.

The Germans stiffened, their eyes widening.[1]

"Why did you come?" Klink said suddenly.

A brief pause.[2]

The Kommandant waved one hand around, indicating the Stalag. "So why are you _here_? What are you planning to do?"

This time there was a longer pause, and the Germans seemed far more uneasy than before.[3]

Klink paled, looking slightly sick. A brief glance at the guards showed he was not the only one. "Then why have you not killed me already?" Hogan was not prepared for that question. This extensive mass hallucination, or whatever it was, was getting out of hand, especially if the Germans started expecting to be killed. Who knew what that sort of belief would do to them.

The Germans all listened anxiously, apparently hearing the same thing together just like they saw the same thing together.[4]

"I have not harmed them," Klink said insistently.

[5]

The Germans suddenly jerked and looked around wildly. Clearly whatever they thought they saw was now gone. The prisoners stood still, keeping to their lines in case one of the guards became jumpy and started shooting again, but thankfully no one fired. Eventually Klink dismissed them, and the disconcerted prisoners went back inside. They were not technically confined to barracks, but no one wanted to wander around these days.

* * *

That day seemed to drag by slowly. There was no way to get the film to London, and there was no real explanation they could give for why it was taking so long. The film was not particularly high priority, but that did not mean much during wartime. London still needed it, as soon as possible preferred, and it was only a matter of time before the Germans realized it was missing. It was photos a German spy had taken in England, and the underground had liberated it from its carrier in Hammelburg.

"Colonel," Kinch said, stepping outside Barracks 2 where Hogan was sitting and watching the anxious Germans, "I just intercepted a phone call—"

"Hold up," Hogan muttered, and Kinch stopped talking. Schultz was coming over.

"Colonel Hogan, Kommandant Klink wants you to come to his office," the German Sergeant informed him quietly.

"What about?"

Schultz looked at first like he would not say, but it had been several days since he told them anything and old habits were hard to break. "He just got off the phone with Major Hochstetter. I do not know anything else, but _It_ was also listening in."

Kinch nodded at Hogan briefly, and as Hogan stood up to walk with Schultz, he went back inside. At least the Germans' recent searches did not include looking for bugs.

"Kommandant Klink, Colonel Hogan is here," Schultz announced the American, and Hogan let him. It was always best to avoid upsetting trigger-happy enemy soldiers.

"Send him in," Klink responded. Hogan walked into the office, just like so many times before. He had walked in to see Klink nervous, scared, helpless, gleeful, and happy. He had seen Klink as he schemed and as he backtracked, but never had he seen Klink look like he did now. He looked like he had been so thoroughly terrified by something that the terror didn't really register. Or maybe that was just what Hogan was interpreting it as after days of all their guards succumbing to some strange form of madness.

"You wanted to see me?"

"Yes, Hogan. I need you to… I can't let Major Hochstetter…" Klink trailed off, clearly unsure of what to say. Then his tone changed. "Hogan, have you and your men really seen no one unusual the last five days?"

"We've seen your men acting unusual," Hogan replied.

"Not that. We're just reacting to the unusual thing that we see. Are you telling me that you really have not seen _It_?"

"Kommandant, you Germans are the only people who have seen it, whatever it is."

"And you did not hear It this morning when It answered some of my questions?"

"No."

Klink looked hard at Hogan, then sighed and stared at his desk. "Major Hochstetter is on his way here. He has some crazy idea about spies stealing something from someone, and you know he always tries to blame you."

"It's not like him to call ahead," Hogan commented, wondering where all this was going.

"No, but sometimes he does, and thankfully he did today."

"What do you mean?" Hogan asked, hoping Klink had not somehow seen the film with the fish supplies.

"I cannot risk Major Hochstetter of all people seeing _It_. He would arrest me and all of my men, and he would accuse you and your men of working with It, which might be enough for him to arrest you considering what It says about political opinions. Hogan, I need to hide It. I need you to** hide It in the barracks, and I mean hide It so even we can't find It.**"

The unsettled feeling in Hogan's chest twisted, and he returned Klink's gaze. "Colonel, there is nothing here. I don't know what happened to you and your men, but there is no 'It.'"

"Hogan," Klink said, rising out of his chair in anger, "the fact that you and your men cannot see It does not mean It does not exist. Frankly I don't care if you believe me or Schultz or any of the other guards. You will hide It from Major Hochstetter and you will do so without any complaints."

"Fine, your 'It' can come with me. See if I care. It's not like something that doesn't exist can possibly take up valuable space in the barracks anyway." Hogan knew he should probably not lose his temper at a mad man, but he was tired of dealing with this. Maybe tomorrow he could tell Klink that "It" escaped when no one was looking. If he was lucky, things would go back to normal again.

* * *

Major Hochstetter's visit was typical. He showed up, yelled at Hogan and Klink, surrounded the camp with his "ring of steel," and prowled around like a vengeful ghost. And then he left.

That evening, Klink went to his quarters. As Schultz prepared the table for supper, another visitor entered. Schultz looked up nervously, but remembering what Klink told him that morning, he stayed quiet.

[I had the chance to look around the barracks while that Major Hochstetter was here.]

"You could have looked around the barracks any time you wanted," Klink grumbled, letting his fear turn into irritation.

[No, your guards kept checking buildings. It made the prisoners too nervous to act the way they normally would.]

"What are you trying to say?"

The transparent man, Klein he said his name used to be, looked at Klink. [I don't think you really want to know what I'm saying, so I won't tell you. But your prisoners are not 'thoroughly cowed' because of abuse, like I feared. Seeing that Major Hochstetter stand beside you made the differences undeniably clear.]

"So what are you saying?" Klink asked. He was terrified of what It—Klien—It (he would never truly known the proper way to refer to a ghost) might tell him, but he needed to hear.

[You at least are not the type of prison kommandant I feared you would be. I see no need to wreck vengeance upon you today.]

"Thank you," Klink sighed.

[Do not take this as a license to do whatever you want.]

"I know." As Klink and Schultz watched, the ghost walked out of the room—through the wall, of course, as all proper ghosts should—and headed out of camp. "Schultz," Klink said at last, "give the orders for the guards to return to regular shifts."

"_Jawohl, Herr Kommandant_," Schultz said as he exited through the door, as all proper humans should. Klink turned to the table, wondering which camp Klein would visit next. He knew the names of a few kommandants who might deserve the visit, but he did not say them aloud. It was purely bad luck that Klein decided to start with Stalag XIII, of course. Hogan called him a "firm but fair" kommandant, and Klink appreciated that more than Hogan would ever know.

As Klink sat down to eat without fearing ghosts for the first time in five days, he thought of the fish. It was more, again, bad luck that Klein latched onto him in the pet store since now he could never enjoy having a pet goldfish, the perfect pet for wartime since they did not consume many resources. He thought of Schultz and his nephew Wolfie. Maybe the boy would enjoy having the fish instead.

* * *

Klein made one last stop in Barracks 2. Hogan and his men would never see him, he knew, and he was glad they would never believe he was there. That afternoon he had seen some amazing things as he walked through their tunnels and looked at their hidden maps. And through it all he knew that this would never exist if the Germans here, soldiers though they were, were the kind who had set the world at war. He would spare Klink and his men for now in honor of Hogan and his men.

That Major Hochstetter, however, would probably benefit from a good scare in the next few days.

* * *

[1][I am here]

[2][I want to see the German camps destroyed. They only bring pain and suffering.]

[3][I came because this place is called the toughest POW camp in all Germany. My plans are on hold, but you may be dead within a week.]

[4][I need to know before I act. I need to learn more about your prisoners and what you did to keep them from running away. Only then will I know how best to destroy you.]

[5][Trust me, I will see for myself.]


End file.
